WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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