Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
