And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
