It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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