I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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