I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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