i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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