I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
