i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
