we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
