I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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