So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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