Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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