My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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