Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just cut my nipple shaving
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
