don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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