Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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