He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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