ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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