Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize