The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
