i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
