Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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