i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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