I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
