Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
