please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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