If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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