When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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