You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize