Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
