Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
