Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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