saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
