Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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