fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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