we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
