Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
