don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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