I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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