I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
