My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize