so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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