My friends, they love my intelligence
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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