how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So many bounce houses so little time
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
