Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
