I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
