A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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