Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
