honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
