My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
