I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
