is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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