what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
