o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
