If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
