Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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