i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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