mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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