I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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