U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
