thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
