just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Will exercising make me less horny?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
